MADEIRA

[David Hudson]

Here are two likely lads Nic and I saw while sailing around one of Portugal's offshore gems.

A sideways look perhaps.

[Michael Rogers]

Very handsome.

I'm no expert, but I understand that, barring an egg-laying event which, of course, clinches things, an examination under anaesthetic is required to determine the sex of a parrot. Therefore, David, being a bit pedantic, your use of 'lads' is perforce either generic (I think that's what I mean) or ornithologically sexist. Not that it matters.

More years ago than I find it comfortable to recall, an equally handsome parrot used to sit on a perch outside a thatched cottage in a National Trust village near Porlock, tethered (as were your two jokers on Madeira) by a longish length of chain to its perch. It attracted lots of onlookers. When a bit of a crowd had formed, the bird would nonchalantly pick up the slack in the chain in one claw, wind it round its neck, and then suddenly fall off the perch, and hang there accompanied by much flapping and gurgling. This caused huge alarm among the onlookers, shrieking ('DO something!!!' etc), and general consternation. After this had gone on for a while, the parrot athletically, and equally suddenly, grasped the chain again and swung itself upright onto the perch, sitting, preening and generally looking sardonically at the onlookers as if to say, 'Had you there, didn't I?' I stayed to watch several performances. A real star.